Don't Close the Book
by KelseyHope92
Summary: Rachel is still reeling from the heartbreaking reality that she will never get her happily ever after with Finn. She may just find the greatest reason to wake up every day, though. Can she handle a life without Finn? Or is her grief too much to handle? FULL SUMMARY INSIDE!
1. Anywhere but here

**Summary:** _Rachel is still reeling from the heartbreaking reality that she will never get her happily ever after with Finn. She realizes she can't take the pain that Lima is causing her and heads back to New York City. Upon returning, she may just find the greatest reason to wake up every day. And that maybe she won't have to say goodbye to his beautiful soul after all, that miracles really do exist. Can she handle a life without Finn? Or is her grief too much to handle? And just when she settles into what her life has become, a twist of fate might just make Rachel question everything in her life. _

**Chapter 1:**** Anywhere but here**

**Rachel's POV**

Nobody ever prepares you for what life will throw at you. One day you're fine, dreaming of what the future will bring. And the next...everything is shattered. That's just what I've been going through lately. After I lost...the only man I'll ever love. Finn Hudson was a rare, one of a kind man. There was and never will be anyone kinder, more generous or as open hearted as Finn was. He was my other half. He was the one person who loved me inspite of everything I am. I'm selfish, high maintence, and dramatic most of the time. But for whatever reason, Finn loved me anyway. He had this incredible talent of dealing with all of my craziness. He could bring me back down to earth when I was losing myself. It was the one constant thing in my life, that kept me going every single day. And now...I just feel like I don't know who I am. There is absolutely no way to describe how it feels to lose the love of your life. How I know I'll never hear his voice or see his smile ever again. And right now I just feel like I can't breathe and I'm falling into this darkness I don't know if I'll ever come out of.

I wake up every morning, reliving this nightmare over and over again. There are so many times where I feel like this is just some bad dream and he's just gonna walk through the door. But every day that passes by...I know that's not true. He will never come back home to me. He'll never sing to me or tell me he loves me ever again. All I'm here left with are his memories. Nearly four amazing years worth of memories that we were able to share together. They weren't always perfect. At times they were difficult and a little dysfunctional. But they were ours. They were times I wouldn't trade for anything. Except maybe to spend one more day with turn back the clock and change our ending. Go back to last spring when things were amazing. We were celebrating our championship and graduation. And we should have been celebrating our marriage too. If I had stayed, if I never got on that train...I would be Rachel Hudson right now. And maybe, just maybe...Finn would still be alive. And if not, at least we could have had a few great months together. As husband and wife, the way it was supposed to be. Instead, we spent the last couple of months in complete turmoil. He died without me as his wife. He died with a broken heart. And I can't help but feel guilty about all of it. I can't help but wish I could talk to him one more time. Just to tell him...that I love you. And that I'll miss you. Just to say goodbye.

On top of dealing with all of this guilt I'm carrying around, I feel like I am under this microscope from everyone in my life. Everybody just keeps watching my every move, waiting for me to have a complete breakdown. Santana, Kurt, Mr. Shue, My dads...they just want me to talk about what happened. They want to know what I'm thinking...what I'm feeling. But they could never understand or imagine what I am holding inside of me. I can't go back to my life the way it was a month ago. It's not possible and it never will be. And everyone that is pushing me and trying to help me...really they're just making things worse. They can't fix this hole inside me. The part of my heart that will forever be missing. And because of that, I've resorted to pretty much shutting everybody out. I've really been trying to keep to myself. It's been good to have this time to just talk to Finn. To say everything I never got a chance to say.

I know he's listening, so I keep talking. Telling him how much I need him and how much I love him. How this isn't the way we were supposed to end. We were supposed to find our way back to each other, and be together for the rest of our lives. The last time I saw him, I was so certain that was the truth. It's been nearly three months since I saw his face last. I talked to him a lot on the phone, but I never did get a chance to see him in person one last time. I wish he would've stayed in New York and told me himself all about who Brody really was. Although, I am happy that one of my last memories is of him defending my honor. Defending our love. I think I'll always keep that close to my heart. I just wish I had been able to really thank him...for everything. I wish I had never left him after that wedding without saying goodbye. If I had just laid there safe in his arms. Feeling the strong,everlasting love between us. Now that's all gone and I'm left with nothing but regret.

"Rachel?" My dads knock lightly on my door, interupting my thoughts. "How are you today?" They don't take my silence as a hint that I want to be left alone. They walk into my childhood bedroom, taking a seat next to me. "This house has been quite empty...and quiet these last few months. It feels good to see you in this room again."

"I never should left in the first place. Then, everything would be exactly the way it's supposed to be." I say, my voice cracking from the pain in my heart.

"You don't know that, Rachel. What would have happened if you didn't go to New York?"

"I would have married Finn. I woud be his wife. And we'd be together right now. He would still be alive."

"You don't know that, sweetie."

"You're right! I don't know anything anymore! I don't know who I am without Finn! I don't know how I am supposed to wake up every day! I don't even know how to breathe!" I yell, exploding for the first time. Breaking down, sliding to the ground hysterical.

"Rachel..." My dads come towards me, looking to console me.

"No! Just leave! Please...just go!"

"I can't stand to see you like this, Rachel. We love you. We just don't know how to help you."

"You can't! Nobody can." I cried, hoping the would finally leave.

"Maybe I can." A voice says, coming from the doorway.

"Carole? What are you doing here?"

"Sorry...no one answered the door. I hope it's okay I'm here."

"Of course it is. We'll leave you two alone." My dads said, getting up and leaving.

"I know what you're going through, Rachel."

"You're the only one that does."

"Not only losing Finn. But...everything just brings back the memories and feelings of me losing his father too."

"Right, so you know exactly what I'm feeling then."

"I do. But I'm here to tell you, Rachel...you can't push everyone in your life away. Your dads love you. They care about you more than anything. They don't want to see you hurting. No parent does."

"But you're hurting too, Carole. Why would come see me? Doesn't it make it worse?"

"No. Actually it helps to see your face. I've missed it. You are the closest thing I've ever had to a daughter, Rachel."

"And your the closest thing to a real mom I've ever had."

"I always thought one day you really would be."

"Me too."

"Finn...he loved you more than anything in this entire world. He would have done or given anything for you. And you know, that always made me worry about him. That he loved almost too much, that he didn't take care of himself."

"I didn't deserve his love. I wasn't worthy of a man that great."

"You could've never told him that. His love for you could never waver. Not for a second."

"I don't know about that. I put him through hell this past year."

"That didn't matter to Finn. You know, before he left for college he told me he was going to come back a complete man. He was going to have everything he needed to be happy...successful. And I told him that a career of any kind can't guarantee that. And you know what he said? He said, _'No mom, not my career. That will work out or it won't. I'm going come back here with my fiance...I'm going to get Rachel back. I give you my word on that. That's the only thing that will ever guarantee me happiess. She is all that I need...and she's all that I want. And everything else in between will fall into place'. _And that made me worry so much about him. But that determination and certainty in his eyes...I knew I couldn't change his mind. And he said, '_Don't worry about me, Mom. I'm gonna make you proud of me. I'm gonna be the man you raised me to be. I'm gonna bring my wife home. We're meant to be. I know know that and she does too. That's all that matters. And it's all going to be okay, mom."_ Carole tells me, with tears streaming down her face.

"The last time I saw him, face to face...it was Will and Emma's non wedding. And you know, for one night it was like I never left for New York. That we were still the old Rachel and Finn. Perfectly in unison...not broken. And one of the last things he said to me that night was that we were gonna be together in the end. It was like written in the stars or something. I knew he was right...and he knew I did too."

"You know, he did seem a lot happier after that wedding. I just never really knew why. Considering it didn't end well."

"I just wish I had stayed in his arms for five more minutes. Instead...I ran away back to New York to avoid confronting my feelings. But you have to know, Carole...I loved your son. He was my everything. My soulmate. And now I don't know what to do or how to breathe anymore." I confess, collapsing into her arms. And we both just sob uncontrollably.

"One day, you're gonna find a reason to get up every morning. And live again, Rachel."

"I don't know how that's possible. I'm missing a part of my soul."

"I know. I know. Which is why I've been wrestling with telling you the truth...about the day he died. But I think you deserve it, Rachel."

"What are you talking about?"

"I don't wanna make things worse for you. But Finn, his accident...he didn't die in Ohio. He died in New York. He was on his way to see you. He told me he was going and I hated that he was traveling so far by himself. But he said he needed to see you...to congratulate you on getting that part on Broadway. He was so proud of you, Rachel. So, he got in his car and he headed for you. He just never got there."

"Oh my god, this is all my fault."

"No. Not, it's not. You didn't cause that accident."

"Maybe not. But I'm the reason he was on the road in the first place."

"Rachel...he was coming to see you because he loved you. He would have given anything for you."

"And he did...his life. How can I ever be okay with that?"

"You can't be. And you won't be. But the last thing he was thinking about was...you. And how much you meant to him. How much he loved you, uncondionally. That's what you have to remember."

"Thank you, Carole. For telling me the truth."

"Are you heading back to New York?"

"I think I have to. Being back here just keeps reminding me of him at every turn. Everything that I lost."

"I know. But don't be a stranger, Rachel. You will always be my daughter." Carole said, giving me one last hug and heading to the door.

"How do you do it?"

"What, sweatheart?"

"Get up every day. Keep going."

"I don't know. Finn, I guess. I can feel him. And I know he is giving me the little bit of strength I have every day. He'll do the same for you."

"I hope you're right."

Finn was coming to see me. I'm the reason he's dead. God, why'd he have to do that? Why'd he have to get in the car that day? Because he loved me and he wanted me to know it. To know the kind of dedication he still possessed for me. That he would drive hundreds of miles just so I would know he was proud of me. I can't help but imagine what would've happened if he made it to New York? Would we be out enjoying the city right now together? Be back where we belong, in each other's arms? I can't help but dream of what could have been. But that's not really helping anything right now. I needed to get out of Lima. I needed to get away from the pain of all the memories at every turn. I grabbed everything I had scattered across my bed, pictures, gifts he had given me, every memory I had left of Finn in this room, and threw them into the suitcase that was lying on the floor beside my bed. I zipped it, grabbed my jacket, and headed for the door. I walked down the stairs to where my dads were pacing the living room.

"Dads?"

"Sweatheart, you finally came down. Were so glad to see you out of that room."

"I'm going back to New York."

"Are you sure you're ready to go back so soon?"

"I know you don't understand or know what I'm going going through. But I can't stay in Lima any longer. I just..see his face everywhere. And I probably will back home too, but being here is too painful. I'm sorry. I know you want to help me but I can't be helped right now. Nobody can fill this void I have in my heart and in my soul. And I just...need to go. I love you, guys. But I need to do this on my own...in my own time."

"We understand, Rachel. We love you. And the second you think you need us, we'll be there in a heartbeat."

"Okay. Thank you...for everything. I need to go now."

On that note, I walked out the door with tears streaming down my face. Not knowing what I was gonna do next or how I'd do it by myself. But I knew there were things I needed to take care of back in New York. Things I've been avoiding for too long. Things that the pain of losing Finn took a backseat to...and didn't seem so important anymore.

**[New York City - 5 hours later]**

Walking back into that loft made my chest hurt and fresh tears to come flowing down my face. Being back here made me feel like all this was real. That moving forward...and figuring out how to live without Finn started now. I put my suitcase down and walked over to the table and picked up the pile of mail that stacked up over the past few weeks. Bills, a lot of sympathy cards from family and friends. Like a card could make anything better. Suddenly, an envelope caught my eye. One I didn't even remember I was waiting for before all this happened. I ripped open the letter and scanned the contents. I couldn't believe my eyes. And for the first time since Finn died...I felt something other than pain.

"Rach? You're back. I thought you'd stay in Lima a little longer." Kurt surprised me, coming out of the bedroom.

"No, I couldn't stay there longer. It was too hard."

"I know what you mean. That's why I'm here too. You alright?"

"Yeah. Yeah, for the first time in weeks...i'm okay."

"Wait, are you almost...smiling? What's happening here?"

"Yeah, I think I almost am."

"What going on?"

"I need to tell you something, Kurt. Something I haven't told anyone. Well, technically Santana but then I lied to her about it. So, that doesn't really count I guess."

"You're kinda freaking me out, Rachel. More than usual. What's going on?"

"Okay, Well Kurt...since you're Finn's brother and all, and my best friend...you should be the first to know."

"Know what exactly?"

"I'm pregnant, Kurt...with Finn's baby."


	2. Never Alone

**Chapter 2: Never Alone**

The emotions running through my veins is absolutely unbelievable. I didn't know what to feel. Or what I was supposed to be feeling. Was I happy? Thrilled? Relieved? Sad? Angry? Devastated? Grateful? Yeah, I guess I'm all of the above. Before Finn died, I didn't know what I was going to do about all this. I was scared and unprepared to say the least. I still am actually. At first, I was mad at myself for being so irresponsible. I mean, I'm Rachel Berry. I've never been one to act before thinking. I've planned out every detail of my entire life. And suddenly, I took a step back and for the first time I realized that maybe there are things I can't control. When I found out, I had so many amazing opportunities right in front of me. My dreams were so close, I could touch them. I was going to get a real shot to live my dream, be on Broadway. So, when I walked into that doctor's office and got the news that I really was pregnant...I lied to Santana and told her I wasn't. I guess, partly because I thought that if I told the lie then I could stay in denial and it wasn't really happening. I wasn't really having a baby. I was going to audition for my dream role in a real Broadway show. And nothing was gonna stop me. Of course, that really didn't last too long. When I was standing on that stage, singing my heart out...I knew this couldn't really be my reality right now. I had this life coursing through me and no matter what, that meant everything to me. I had another person relying on me to stay alive. It was incredible actually. But I was really afraid to truly admit to myself that I was pregnant. Not just because it was going to change my life forever, but because I was afraid the baby was gonna be the wrong man's. And even before I lost Finn, I couldn't imagine having a child with anyone else. It seemed absolutely impossible to me. And I knew I had to know one way or the other. So, as soon as I physically could I had the DNA test done. The procedure is a little risky so early on, but I had to know. I couldn't stand it any longer, not knowing the truth.

At that moment, I was at a really low point in my life. What had happened to me? When did I become the girl that didn't know who fathered her child? How did I end up sleeping with two men at the same time? The thought of this baby being Brody's made me sick. This wasn't the way it was supposed to happen. This wasn't who I was supposed to be. That's when I realized how lost I'd really become. I guess deep in my heart, I knew this baby had to Finn's though. Because what we shared together, even if it was only for one night, was true love. And that was what having a child was supposed to be all about...love. I thought about what an amazing father he would be. He'd give his child what he never had himself...a great man as a father. I thought about how much this revelation would rock his whole world. He had just started college and finally had a real dream for his future. I didn't want to be the one that ruined that. Just show up after everything we've been through and change everything. Yet, I knew Finn would never take it as a bad thing at all. He wouldn't be upset or mad. Mostly because he wasn't built like that. But also, because he was such an incredible man that would do anything for his family. He would have been thrilled to find out about the baby, actually. He would have been the first to tell me he was right all along. That this proved just how strong and undeniable our love was. How we would have something that was forever ours. And at the time, I started thinking of what my life could become. The thought of raising this child with Finn, was the only thing that was calming my nerves over all this drama. This baby would have been the thing that brought us back together. I just knew it. We'd be starting our life a little backwards. Considering I always figured we'd be doing career, marriage, then family. But somehow, I was okay with being a little unconventional. It's not like either one of us came from traditional families ourselves. What would make us think we'd have one ourselves? And that was just fine by me.

Of course, then tragedy struck and everything I had imagined. Everything I wanted for Finn and I...was gone forever. And from the moment Kurt told me Finn was dead, my world just went black. I didn't think about the test or even the baby a lot of the time. I just fell into this darkness that I was unable to pull myself from. I just couldn't handle anything else on top of Finn's death. For weeks, I felt nothing but pain and heartache. I relived every moment, every word Finn had ever said to me. And everything else seemed meaningless. But even through all the pain, I found myself once and while wondering if me and the baby would come out of this alive. I knew I wasn't taking proper care of myself , but it didn't really matter. Nothing did, I was in far too much pain to care. I knew that no matter what, everything that I hoped and prayed for would never come true now. My life was forever changed in the worst way possible. Every dream I had for my family with Finn, had vanished in one single moment. I just wish I had the chance to tell him he was gonna be a father. I can almost see his face, you know. How he would have reacted. A little shocked at first, and then he would've been so excited. But instead...i'm left here with nothing but regret about my choices. Wishing I had just five minutes left to live our happy ending. The way it was supposed to happen. But i'm just here all alone. Scared of what my life is going to be now. The only thing that is going to make anything okay...to help me get out of bed every morning is that I know that every time I look at our child, I'll always see Finn.

"Kurt? You okay?" I ask, after almost five minutes of him being completely silent.

"Yeah. I just...are you screwing with me?"

"Kurt, I am the last person that is going to joke about anything involving Finn right now."

"Oh my god, Rachel! This is incredible! It's a miracle!" He says, engulfing me in a hug.

"I know, I can't believe it's actually true. I'm waiting for someone to come in here and tell me it's not his. But, it's right here in front of me." I tell him, looking down at the piece of paper in front of me. "All the proof that will ever be needed. And I just...don't know how to feel."

"That's alright. It's a lot to handle right now. I just...how did this even happen? I mean, I know how it happened but when?"

"13 weeks ago. Valentine's Day."

"Oh, of course. Mr. Schuester's wedding."

"Yeah. And you know we didn't talk about what happened and I think I tried to ignore it. To avoid confronting my feelings. And, when I found out I was pregnant I went into denial mode. I wanted so badly for it not to be true. And Santana was there with me and I just lied to her face. I told her it was a false alarm and not to worry anymore."

"What? How did I not know this was going on? I live in the same apartment as you guys. We're supposed to be best friends, Rachel."

"I know, I'm sorry. But I couldn't tell you. First of all, you're Finn's brother. I couldn't handle it getting back to him so soon. Plus at the time, I couldn't even admit it to myself."

"Why not?"

"Because I wanted to live my dream, it was right there in front of me. And at the time, nothing else mattered. But that didn't last long and I knew I had face it. I had to admit to myself that I was pregnant and my dreams were going to be put on hold for the moment."

"Did Finn ever know?"

"No. And now he never will. I couldn't tell him before I knew...if he was the father. I couldn't break his heart, if it turned out differently."

"Of course, could of been Brody's."

"Yeah, so I had a DNA test done. But then, he died and I didn't get the results to him in time. And I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life."

"Rachel...it's not your fault."

"Yes it is. If I wasn't so lost...if I didn't do everything in my power to make him jealous. If I never broke his heart. We would've been together. And I would have known with 100 percent certainty that he was this baby's father. Instead, I waited too long. And now he'll never know. He'll never know he was a father and our baby will never know the amazing man he was. And that's really hard to handle right now." I tell him, with tears streaming down my face.

"Hey, it's okay. Rachel, look at me. Your baby...its a part of him. It's like he's coming back to us. Like he's not really gone. And that's a really amazing thing, Rach. We'll be able to look at your child, and see Finn. See all the best parts of him."

"Yeah, I know. I know you're right. And that's what I have to hold onto right now."

"Exactly. And I'm gonna be your baby's uncle. And I promise, that there won't be a single day that that kid doesn't know what an incredible father he had."

"Or her."

"Or her. Doesn't matter, either way...Finn will be alive in that child's soul."

"Thank you, Kurt. I'm just worried, that I'm gonna fall apart looking at this baby and seeing the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. That I lost too soon. I mean, can I handle seeing him every day of my life living on through our child?

"Yes you can. It's going to be the most amazing thing in your life. It's gonna make the pain lessen. Knowing he's right here with us."

"You really believe that?"

"I do. Rachel, I'm gonna miss Finn for the rest of my life. There will never be a day that I don't think about my brother, but now...we all have a reason to honor him too."

"Yeah, you're right. This is the greatest miracle I could ever ask for." I say, lightly touching my nearly flat stomach. "I'm just scared. How am I supposed to do this without Finn? We were supposed to raise a family together. That was always part of the plan. And now, I'm all alone."

"You are not alone, Rachel. You have me and Santana. You have your dads. And Carole and my dad. They're gonna so happy. Carole's gonna get to have a piece of her son back. That's an amazing thing to give, Rachel. We're gonna be with you every step of the way. You will never be alone. You can do this."

"Thanks. For everything. I just...I'm gonna go rest for a while. The traveling kind of wore me out."

"Of course, go lay down for a while."

I grabbed my suitcase off the ground and carried it into my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I leaned against the door and slid to the floor. Letting myself sob uncontrollably without anyone hovering around me. I couldn't handle everything that was happening right now. I just keep imagining these things in my mind and I wish I could stop it. I can't keep thinking about how things should have been. Because I know that will never be reality. I mean, this amazing blessing is happening to me. And all I can think about is how it would be right at this moment, if Finn was still alive. I can't stop myself from dreaming about it. I know that Kurt is right, I'm gonna have a reason to live and wake up without Finn from this day forward. That doesn't mean I'm gonna miss him any less. A piece of my soul will always be gone. But I know now, that our baby is going to be my everything. He or she is going to help fill that void I feel deep inside of me. The one that is making me feel almost completely empty right now. And I have to make this child my priority, no matter what. This baby's health is the only thing that matters now. I couldn't handle it if something happened because I was too destroyed to take care of myself. So, as much as my heart hurts right now...I have to find the strength within myself to be alright. I've been given an amazing miracle. Something that had a one in a million chance of happening. And I have embrace what Finn has given me...a second chance.

"Finn..." I say out loud, standing up and walking towards the window and looking up at the clouds above me. "I really hope you can hear me. Because I have a lot to tell you, maybe you can even see me right now. I don't really know how all this works. I know, I know...I've been excessively talking since you left. More than I even did when you were here, is that even possible? You always were an amazing listener when I needed you. That's why I don't know who to talk to now. I keep reaching for my phone to call you and just hear your voice. And I get to your name in my contacts and I almost press send but then I remember...you're not gonna pick up on the other end. I really wish you would. I've been wishing for a lot of things lately actually. I really wish you had made it to me that day. I know you were coming here, your mom told me. Why'd you have to do that? Why couldn't you just stay at school? Then, everything would be okay right now. You'd be here with me right now. God, Finn...why'd you have to leave me? Why'd it have to be you and not me? You were a way better person than I'll ever be. This world is a way lesser place without you. Especially my world. I need you. Because...we're having a baby, Finn. Can you believe that? I guess you were right after all, our love is everlasting. It is stronger than anything in the entire world. And now it's going to live on forever. That's a pretty incredible thing, Finn. And I'm so sorry, I never got a chance to tell you. You would have been an amazing father. I know you always wanted to be, since you never had one. But I promise you, our child will never not know who you were. What kind of man you were. And how much your love lives inside of him or her. I know the baby's gonna be just like you. Kind, open hearted, loving, talented. Because its gonna have all your best parts. And I feel like a part of you is coming back to me. So, thank you. There's one last thing I need from you. I know, I never let you rest even now, huh? But...I just need you to watch over me and the baby. I thought maybe you could be our child's guardian angel or something. Since I know you're already mine. Just make sure that the baby is safe. Just protect us the way you would if you were here right now. I love you, Finn. And I miss you so much right now." I say, falling back to the ground, hysterical. A few minutes later, I hear a loud knock on my bedroom and the door flying open.

"Rachel Berry, you lied to me."

"Hello to you to you too, Santana. I thought you were still in Lima."

"I was. I just got back. Don't change the subject, Berry."

"Kurt told you." I say, standing up and wiping my tears away.

"Yeah, and it should have been you. I was with you that day. I was by your side, supporting you and you lied to my face."

"You're right, I lied. But only because I couldn't handle it at the time. For totally different and selfish reasons than I can't now. And I'm sorry, you were trying to be an amazing friend to me and I couldn't even trust you with that. I'm sorry, Santana. But, can I count on you now? You forgive me?"

"I guess I have no choice. Of course. I'm so happy for you, Rachel. You really deserve to have something great happen to you. And on top of that, everyone gets to have a piece of Finn back. It's a win, win for all of us. I'm here for you...and that baby."

"Thank you. That means everything to me right now. Because I don't know how I'm supposed to move forward. I mean, what happens next?"

"I don't know. A lot of hardships, some more pain. But it'll be worth it. I know it."

"So do I. And I know Finn is watching over us. And he'd be really happy to have you be there for his child. I know losing him has been hard on you too. Even if you don't always wanna show it. It's okay, Santana. You don't have to hide it from me, we need to support each other now. We need to keep grieving as family."

"That sounds really good to me right about now." Santana says, pulling me into a hug. And we both let the tears flow together. For the first time since Finn died, I'm glad to have some people around me to support me. And I don't know if it's my pregnancy causing me to be more accepting of help. Or just Finn willing me to accept it. The way he was always accepting to everything in his own life.


	3. Flying Forward

**Chapter 3: Flying Forward**

_**Three Weeks Later**_

It has been nearly two months since I lost Finn and it definitely isn't getting any easier to deal with. Everyone keeps telling me that the more time that passes, the easier it will become to accept that he is really gone. That there will become a time when I can look back on our memories together and smile, instead of constantly cry. I don't really see how that is going to happen right now, but I hope they're right. With my life changing at rapid speed, I could really use his comfort right about now. There are so many things happening in my life that I wish I could be sharing with him. Like the sound of our baby's heartbeat, that I heard for the first time two weeks ago. It was one of the most surreal moments of my entire life. I laid on that table, with Kurt and Santana by my side, listening to the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. And right then and there, it all became so real. There was a real person depending on me. A person living and growing every single day...with Finn's beautiful heart. And for the first time in a really long time, I felt closer than ever to him. I could feel him there with me, watching over our child. Willing me to be happy about this baby. And I want to be, more than anything in the world. It just seems impossible to truly allow myself to be happy about this incredible experience, when I know he will never be here to experience it with me. I keep wishing that he was the one by my side through all this. I love my friends, they've been my rock. They help me get up every day and take care of myself. I'm so happy to have them in my life, but it's not the same as it would be if Finn were here. But I am glad that they're here for me and that they have been extremely respectful of all my wishes, like holding off telling everybody back home. I just wanted to wait a little while before I shouted my pregnancy from the rooftops. First of all, I wanted to make sure everything was okay before I told all the people that will undoubtedly be surrounding me with love and support. And even though it kills Kurt everytime he talks to Carole or his dad, he's kept my secret. And I'm so grateful for him right now. Second of all, I had a lot of loose ends to tie up in my life. Like, giving up my role in Funny Girl.

Walking away and leaving my dream behind is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I worked my entire life to get to that that moment, to be given a single chance. This was the exact role I always picture myself in. I always thought I was destined for. That's why I still auditioned and begged for the opportunity, even though I knew in my heart it would never really be my reality. I was being selfish at the time but it didn't matter. This was my dream and nothing was gonna stand in my way. Then I lost Finn, and I realized what was truly important. And it wasn't a career. It doesn't mean it didn't hurt to go to those producers that day and give up my role.

_Two weeks ago_

_I walked into that theater and remembered why I loved this place so much. It made me feel a sense of peace somehow. It was where I always felt most comfortable. It was where I was first able to realize my dream. And now it was going to be the same place, where I let it go._

_"Rachel! Finally, where have you been?" I heard my producer's voice say, pulling me out of my thoughts._

_"I'm sorry I didn't come sooner."_

_"We've been in total limbo, we need to get these rehearsals started and you've been totally AWOL."_

_"I know. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't pick up the phone and call you but I knew I had to do this in person."_

_"Do what exactly?"_

_"I have to resign my involvement in Funny Girl."_

_"Excuse me? Didn't you spend so much time begging me to give you a chance? Why would you possible give up your big break?"_

_"I've been through a lot this past month." I say, walking closer to him. "I didn't even know if it was possible for me to sing at all anymore. I can, but it's not easy. Not in the way it used to be."_

_"What happened to you, Rachel?"_

_"Something really bad. Something I'll never be able to get past. Not a single day, for the rest of my life. I haven't been answering your phone calls and I didn't come here sooner because...my boyfriend died a month ago. And nothing seemed even remotely as important as he was."_

_"I'm sorry for your loss, Rachel."_

_"You know, Finn...he was the one person in my life who ever 100 percent believed I could actually make it here. He believed in me every single day and encouraged me to never give up. Now he's gone and I'm left realizing that nothing is for certain. I don't know who I am without him, but one thing I do know is...I have to walk away from here today."_

_"He sounds like he was a great man."_

_"More than you could ever imagine."_

_"But Rachel...it sounds like he wanted you to be happy and successful. He would probably want you to move forward...to live your dream. Wouldn't staying with us...honor your boyfriend?"_

_"In any other circumstances, I would say you were right. And Finn would've too. But it's not that simple. This isn't just because my boyfriend died. This is because...I'm also pregnant with his child. And that is the only thing that matters to me now. A career and a dream only fills up so much of your life. And that part has to be left behind now. I have to focus on my new dreams now. Like honoring my boyfriend by making sure our child is my top priority always."_

_"I see. I think you have an amazing future in front of you. It's just not the one you imagined. Sometimes, the unexpected journeys in our lives...end up being the best ones of all. I wish you all the best, Rachel."_

_"Thank you. Thank you, for this opportunity. It was a really great feeling to know I was good enough to make it to this stage." I say and start to walk back up the aisle of the theater._

_"Hey, Rachel."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"I think you're gonna find your way back here someday. You have an incredible talent, don't throw that away forever. It's still a part of you. I'm sorry again for your loss. I hope you find a way to heal...and I hope you have a healthy baby."_

_"Thank you. That means a lot."_

As I walked out of there that day, I left behind a single dream. A dream I held for my whole life. But I know now that I have to focus solely on my new one. And that is to be the best mother I possibly can be. And as scary as it sounds...I'm really looking forward to it. I have an obligation to myself and to Finn, to make sure the baby is happy and healthy. And knows just how much I love him or her. I know I have a long, tough road ahead of me but for the first time since I found out I was pregnant...I feel ready. And I gotta say it's a really amazing feeling. I have this life inside me that I need to protect with my own life. I owe it to Finn to be strong for our child from this day forward.

"Hey, Rach." Santana says, as she walks into the loft.

"Hey, where you been?"

"Work. Can you not tell by my outfit?"

"Oh, right? You think I still have a job there?"

"They said you could come back when you were ready. But are you sure you want to?"

"I have to work, Santana. I have a baby to support now."

"You know your dads are gonna help you pay for everything. And Carole too for that matter."

"I don't want to be a charity. I'm gonna eventually have to stand on my own two feet."

"But you're pregnant. And going through more than you can handle right now. You should just accept the help while you can. Charity or not. And plus they're your family, they don't see you that way."

"I know. Speaking of family, I've been thinking and I think I'm gonna home and tell them about the baby."

"Really? That's really great."

"Yeah. You know, I think it might be time. I've held out long enough, it's time to share this news with the world."

"That's awesome. You know, they've been hurting too, and I think some good news might be exactly what everyone needs."

"I know. You're right, especially Carole. I want her to feel like she's gonna have a piece of Finn back, the same way I do. They deserve to have something good happen. I'm just really nervous to go back there."

"Why?"

"Because last time I was there...everywhere I went, I saw his face. I saw every place we ever were together. Everything in that town has a million memories of Finn. And I'm afraid that being back there, is going to do more harm than good for me. The pain doesn't stop, Santana. It's been two months! And it feels like it just happened yesterday. Every time I walk out of my bedroom, I flashback to the look I saw on Kurt's face when he told me Finn was gone. And I'm afraid that being in Lima, is going to unravel me to a point of no return. And I've tried to be strong for the baby and everything, but what if I can't handle it?"

"You can, Rachel. You are the strongest woman I know. It's hard for all of us to be there, but it's still home. And don't worry, Kurt and I will come with you. We're here for you every step of the way. You don't have to do this alone."

"Thank you, Santana. It means everything to me, that you guys have been so supportive."

"We're your best friends, Rachel. This is what friends do."

"We do what exactly?" Kurt asks, walking through the door.

"We are going to go with Rachel back to Lima this weekend."

"This weekend? Wait, Santana...I said I was ready, but I don't know about that soon. I mean, I thought in like a week or something."

"You've waited long enough. You have to do this. Find the strength in yourself, I know you have it."

"Wait, are you finally going to tell everyone your pregnant?" Kurt asks, hopefully.

"Yeah, I think so."

"Oh my god, thank you. This is the hardest secret I've ever had to keep."

"I know. And I'm sorry I've put you guys in that position."

"It's okay, we understand why you needed to wait. I'm just glad you're ready to tell them." Kurt tells me, being so understanding.

"Alright, let's do it. Let's make the plans. Let's get on a plane and go home to Lima this weekend."

"Yes! This is going to be amazing."

The thought of going back home to Lima was still really hard for me. Every time I think of it, I think of every moment Finn and I ever shared there together. All the laughs, love, and joy we felt in that town. All the amazing things that I can no longer feel without him by my side. But I know that it's time that I went back and told everyone the truth about my life now. I needed to break the news to my dads, that my future was going to be extremely altered from the one we planned since I was born. They'll be a little disappoint at first, I'm sure. But I have no doubt that they will support me every step of the way on my new journey. And then, there is Carole...who I feel guilty about not telling sooner that I am carrying Finn's child. She's suffering so much too, and I know that once she hears my news...she'll find something to hold on to. A reason to keep Finn's memory alive every single day. A way for his legacy to live on even though he's gone. There are so many people back home that love me...and that loved Finn so much. I know I'll have a ridiculous amount of love surrounding me. And for the first time since Finn died, I might actually be willing to accept all of it. Accept being back in that town, and not just feeling sad about the memories that belong to it. But maybe even happy that they happened at all. I just hope my heart is as prepared as my head is.


	4. Coming Home

_**A/N:**** I just wanted to take a second to thank everyone for the incredible support you've been giving for this story. It's really amazing, so thank you. Also, thank you for your patience this past week. I've spent all week really mapping out where I want this story go. So, I will definitely try to update quicker. I hope you like everything I have planned. It's going to be a journey for sure. Thank you for your continued support!**_

**Chapter 4: Coming Home**

**2 weeks later- Lima, Ohio**

Going back home is always a hard thing to do. The longer you're away from it, the harder it is to consider it home in the first place. And now with Finn gone, I'm finding it even tougher than it was before. The last time I was here was over a month ago, and the memories are not fond ones. I think about everyone being there, grieving for Finn and wanting to help me. But it was too soon to have them all surrounding me. I couldn't face all the pain that my hometown now had attached to it. And I am not saying that I am doing any better now, but I know that I have to be here. It has all the people that I truly love there, and I need to see them. I decided that if I was going to tell them about the baby, I wanted us all to be together in one place. But I know everyone has their lives to live now. Things aren't the way they were a year ago...and they never will be again. With us all living different lives now...the summon home wasn't something that could happen on the fly. So, it took some convincing to bring us together again. I don't know how but Kurt and Santana brought it all together. And now that we're here, I'm more nervous than I was when left New York.

From the second I stepped off that plane two hours ago, I've felt nothing but this constant sting in the pit of my chest. Just being here, still makes me feel so much pain. I was really hoping it would make me feel closer to Finn, but it just makes me sad that I'm here alone. As we drove from the airport, I closed my eyes and saw nothing but his face. Reliving every single moment that I ever spent here. For a moment, it felt like he was so close. That when I got here, he'd just be waiting for me. To take me in his arms and tell me everything was going to be fine. That everything would be back where it belonged. Then I opened my eyes, and I know that it's all just a dream now. As I got out of the car at McKinley High, I felt the tears stream down my face. Coming back here used to make me feel great. Like I could still be a part of this place. That all the times I spent here good, bad or otherwise...could always be remembered and celebrated. And I could be happy about what I accomplished behind these walls. Now it's just filled with memories of Finn. It's like he remains forever in these halls. I walk down to the auditorium, for the first time since he died...and I swear I could see him on that stage. It's the one place we always had that was just ours. We don't how or why...but it always brought us together. It was where we first met...it was home to us. And now as I walk down this aisle and climb up on the stage...I feel more alone than ever.

"Rachel?" I hear Mr. Schuster's voice coming from behind me.

"Mr. Schue...Hi." I say, walking towards him.

"How are you?"

"Okay, I guess. I kinda wish everyone would stop asking me that."

"I know what you mean. It get old real fast, huh?"

"Yeah. Everyone kept asking me non-stop at first, and it drove me crazy. But I guess, I know it's just cause everyone cares. I kinda get that now."

"It feels good to see you standing on this stage again."

"I wish it felt as good to be here. This used to be the place I came to feel safe...to feel at home. Now it just feels empty."

"I know this is where you and Finn spent a lot of time together."

"Yeah, you know this was the one place we could come and just feel close to each other. No matter how many miles apart we were sometimes...we always somehow ended up here together. I mean, this is where everything happened for Finn and I. This is where we first met. Do you remember that day, Mr. Schuster?"

"Of course I do. I saw you...totally overwhelm him that day. But he loved every second of it. I could see it in his eyes. Even if he was a little scared at the time."

"Yeah, I was a bit much back then. Okay, I still am."

"That didn't matter to Finn. He loved you because of all your craziness."

"Yeah. You know, every major milestone we ever went through together happened in this auditorium. Our first glee rehearsal...our first date. This is where he proposed to me. Where we would sing just to each other, every now and then."

"I never knew all that. Those are really great memories, Rachel."

"I know they are. And I always wanna keep them close to me. But then I think about...the bad ones too. Like, how this is also where we broke up. Where I walked away from him and I just wish I had stayed. I wish I kept my faith in him. The way he always did in me. And you know, I really felt like it was all coming back the last time I was here."

"What do you mean?"

"The last time I was on this stage was...before your wedding a few months ago. Finn and I rehearsed our duet right here. And I knew in my heart, this is where we belonged. I looked into his eyes that day, and really thought we'd end up back here together. But instead I'm standing here alone, trying to find a way to fill this void in the pit of my chest. A way to make this place be filled with great memories, instead of hurt and a whole lot of pain." I said, with my voice cracking and tears streaming down my face.

"Rachel...everything you just told me about the times you spent here with Finn, that's what you have to keep in your memory. Not the bad things. The first day you met. The day he asked you to be his wife. That's what's great about this place for you. Just remember that, everyday. And I know it's not easy...and it's never gonna be the same without him. But maybe this could be a place you could come home to...and just feel close to him."

"Thanks, Mr. Schue. I hope your right. I just think I need more time to feel that way."

"It will happen. I promise, Rachel. So, you coming to the choir room now?"

"Yeah, I'll be there in a few."

"I was wondering...why you wanted to see everyone here?"

"Because it's the one place we were all together. Where we loved to be. Where we were a family. And I have something to tell you all. And I couldn't think of a better location."

"Okay, then I'll see you in a few then."

"Alright."

I walked to the end of the stage, sitting on the edge. Reliving the moments Finn and I spent here. Mr. Schue was right, they were all great memories. But I really wish they weren't just in the past. I wish he was here with me. I thought about the day he asked me to marry him. I remember sitting there for a long time in shock, silent for once. Much to his surprise I think. I can remember looking into his eyes and seeing how sincere and sure he was about marrying me. And even though, I didn't jump into his arms and accept his proposal...a part of me wanted to. And the more I think about it now, I wish I had. I wish I never wasted a single moment I ever spent with him. When I close my eyes, I can still see his smile as he was down on one knee. And it causes me to do nothing but sob at the memory. And that's exactly what I don't want this place to do to me. I want it to make me smile at the times we spent here, not just cry about everything that I've lost.

"That's exactly why I've been so afraid to come back here." I hear a voice say behind me.

"Oh my god...Quinn?" I say, standing up, catching my breath and wiping the tears from my eyes. surprised to see her in front of me, hugging her tightly.

"Rachel...I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't come for his memorial. I just...I couldn't do it. After the funeral...it just was too much to handle. To be back here, without him."

"It's okay. I understand, Quinn. I almost didn't come myself. But I knew I owed it to him, to be with everyone he loved so much. You included."

"I don't know about that."

"I do. Despite everything that happened...he loved you, Quinn."

"I don't know why. I treated him like crap. I lied, manipulated him, used him for my own good. But every single time, his heart was so open and forgiving and I never understood why. But I know now...that's just who he was. He was the most amazing man in the world. And I've spent the last few months, not understanding how he could be gone. And I'm still standing in front of you."

"I know exactly what you mean. I've been asking myself the same question. I mean, I'm selfish and have rarely done anything for anyone else unless I was getting something out of it. And I've spent so much time, just wishing there was a way to switch places with him now. The world is lesser place without him, and it's not fair."

"It's not. But he would never think that. He loved you more than anything in the world, Rachel. Even if I didn't always like it or accept it...you were the love of his life. You were the only person he would have given the world for. You're the one he wanted to marry. You're the one he knew with such certainty was his only ending. And I'm so sorry, you never got there. And I actually mean it this time."

"I know you do, Quinn. He was the only person who could ever love me in spite of everything I am. And I'm left here wondering what happens next? How do I go on without him?"

"What does happen next? Are any of us ever going to be able to move on? Let him go?"

"No. I'm not anyway. I'm never gonna get over losing Finn...I just know somewhere deep down inside, that eventually I'll get used to it. I'll get used to the emptiness...the pain will somewhat subside and I'll be left with some really amazing memories. I'll be left, remembering his legacy every single day. It's just gonna be a long road to get there."

"You're so strong, Rachel. You don't have to be."

"Yes, I do. Thank you so much for coming, Quinn."

"So, why did you call us all here anyway?"

"Come on, I'll show you." I say, grabbing her arm. Leaving the auditorium and heading for the choir room, where I knew everyone would be waiting for me.

As we walked down the hall, getting closer to that room I realized this was it. I was done being closed off. I was done keeping my amazing news about Finn's baby to myself. All the people that we loved were going to have a piece of him to hold on to. And I just keep thinking about how much love and joy our baby is going to bring to our family. Our child is going to help everyone heal, because a part of Finn is going to live on forever. And as great as that makes me feel every day, when I feel this baby growing inside me, I want it to bring that same joy to all of the people in our life. And that's an incredible thing to give to a family and I'm so happy to be able to be the one to give them the news. As Quinn and I walk through the door to that choir room, I can feel the love that connects that room full of people together. The second we walked in there, every one of them got up for this really united group hug. I always loved when we all did that. I was so happy to see all the people that I loved be there for me today. Mr. Schuster...Artie...Tina...Mercedes...Mike...Kurt.. .Santana...Carole...Burt...and my dads. They were all gathered in this room because of the love they had for me and Finn. And I can't even express how grateful I am to have them in my life.

"Sweetheart, we are so happy to see you." My dads say, engulfing me in a hug. "You look better than the last time we saw you. In better spirits anyway."

"Yeah, a little bit. You wanna sit down and find out why I'm really home."

"Yes, of course." They walk over and sit down next to all the people who came there for me today.

"Hi, everybody. I am overwhelmed and so happy that you came here today for me. I know you all have your own lives now...and I'm just grateful."

"Is everything okay, Rachel? Is something wrong?" Mercedes asks, slightly concerned.

"No. I mean, no more than what was wrong the last time we were all here. These past few months have been the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. I still wake up some days and wonder how I'm gonna go on. But then I remember Finn...and he was so full of life and it's like he wills me to get up and move forward every day. You know, we spent so much time in this room with all of you. We sang...laughed...cried...celebrated...grew up. This is where we became a family. And as hard as it is to be here without Finn...it also make me feel so much closer to him. And to all of you. Anyway, the reason I asked you to come here today is because you're my family. You are always the first ones there for me. And I'm sorry that I pushed you all away. I know you were trying to help me and I just wanted to tell you how much that meant to me. I just needed some time away. I needed to figure out how to handle this on my own. But I'm here now because I love each and every one of you."

"We will always be here for you, Rachel. This is your home. And you'll always be a part of our team right here."

"Thanks, Mr. Schue. That means everything. You know, you're the one that brought us all together. You created our little family here...you brought Finn into my life. And I don't know if I've ever taken the chance to thank you for putting up with me all these years. And god knows, that has never been an easy. And for giving me something to believe in. You gave all of us something to believe in...ourselves and each other."

"That's all I ever wanted for all of you. I'm just sorry it ended up costing you everything too, Rach. And causing more pain to you in the end."

"That's not your fault. And I wouldn't trade a single second I spent here. It was the best time of my life. Something I'll be able to hold close forever. I got to be a part of something that changed me. It gave me an incredible mentor...the best friends I could ever ask for. And my soulmate. I wanted to have all of you here today because I know all of you loved Finn as much as I did. You were a part of his heart and he loved all of you so much. Even when some of us didn't always deserve it. Every day I wake up and my heart aches where Finn used to be. I know that a piece of my soul will always be gone. And I will spend the rest of my life loving and missing Finn. But I'm here to tell you...that he's going to be living on forever. A part of him is coming back to all of us."

"What are you talking about, Rachel?" Carole asked me, looking at me like I was absolutely insane.

"I'm saying that I have some really great news to share with all of you."

"What's going on, Rachel? What's happening?" Quinn asks.

"I am happy, no thrilled to announce that...I'm pregnant. I'm having a baby."

"Rachel, that's not something to screw around about." My dad says.

"I'm not. I'm really having a baby. I am almost five months pregnant...with Finn's baby." I say, removing the coat I was wearing. Revealing my now visible baby bump. And when I look up, I see the room of shocked faces staring back at me.

"Oh my god. You are...you're pregnant. But...how...what?" Carole starts, but is overwhelmed.

"I know this is a lot to take in. Trust me, I know. It's taken me a long time to really grasp that this is happening. But it is. You know, Finn and I went through a lot these past few years. A lot ups and downs along the way. And even though, we sometimes felt a million miles apart...we were always in sync somehow at the end of the day. We always felt that love that we knew would always exist. And now it will. This is the miracle that I prayed for...to have a piece of Finn to always hold on to. I wish more than anything that Finn was here with me...and our child. But I know, that every time I look into this baby's eyes...I'm gonna see Finn for the rest of my life. And now you all will too.

"Rachel...I just can't believe it. But it's true, your standing right in front of me but it somehow feels like a dream. Except it's not. I don't know how or when all this happened, but I'm so thankful. You've always been like a daughter to me. And now I feel like you're really going to be. Thank you, for bringing back a piece of my son." Carole says, getting up and hugging me so tight. And that's when I can't contain the tears any longer.

"I'm just sorry it took me so long to share it with all of you. Especially you, Carole. I just needed some time to process all this before I let you all know. And I just wanted to thank Kurt and Santana for keeping my secret, even though I know it was killing them every day."

"You knew about this, Kurt? And didn't tell us? Even though you knew how much Carole has been hurting." Burt asks Kurt, slightly upset.

"Yes. But I only kept it quiet because Rachel asked me to. I really wanted to tell you, but it wasn't exactly my secret to tell."

"Carole...Burt, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have put Kurt in that position. It's my fault."

"It doesn't matter now. All that matters is that we know now. And we come together and support Rachel." Carole interjects the conflict.

"Thank you for understanding. I know it's not the ideal circumstances...and things will never be the same without Finn. But I just know, that we'll be able keep Finn alive forever now."

"It's a real miracle, if I ever saw one before." Mr. Schuster says, and I see him smile for the first time since Finn died.

"Yeah, it really is. Something I'm so scared I'm gonna get taken away at any second. But I know Finn is protecting both of us. And that makes me feel safer somehow...like everything is actually gonna be okay. You know, Finn has always had a way of bringing everyone together. Making us all feel united...like a family. And I think that's what is still happening right now. Our child is growing with Finn's beautiful heart and I know is going to help us to heal. We will be able to watch this baby grow up and have the best parts of him. His kindness and love...maybe we'll even be able to see that beautiful smile again. And actually I am happy to announce something else too. Something that even Kurt and Santana don't know. And I just found out yesterday and could barely wait to somebody. That Finn and I...are having a baby boy. A son...who will be just like his father."

"Rachel...this is everything I hoped and prayed for. A way for my son to come back to me. Thank you, for giving me that chance. You know, Finn kept his father alive for me all these years. And now Finn's son will be able to do the same thing. I'm gonna be here for you every step of the way, Rachel." Carole tells me, hugging me tightly once again with tears streaming down her face. And for the first time in months, they were tears of joy.

"Thank you so much, Carole. That means everything to me. And I know that our son is going to give me back a piece of what I've lost. And maybe a part of my soul can be restored when I look into his eyes and watch him grow. I will spend the rest of my life feeling Finn close to me. And I hope that our son...can do the same for all of you. Because you're our family, and you deserve that."

Finally telling my family everything, was like this weight was being lifted off my shoulders. I've been selfishly hiding this secret while I knew everyone was here suffering as much as I was. I knew I had a way to make things at least slightly better in all of our lives. But it's what I needed to do for myself for a while. For my son. Now that everything is out in the open, I know I can really focus on my future. On what happens next for the two of us, with the support of so many people that love Finn and I. And standing in this room and seeing everyone smile for the first time in months...was absolutely incredible. If our son could bring joy back to people's lives, just by them knowing he exists...I can't imagine what he'll be able to do once he is here with us. And I know I have a long journey ahead of me, but I know I'm not alone now. That's something that's taken me a long time to accept, but now that I have...I feel the security I've been missing since Finn died. And it's really amazing to have that in my life right now.


	5. Where do we go

**Chapter 5: Where do we go**

Today was one of the hardest, yet rewarding days I've had in a long time. Coming home was something I heavily debated doing because of the fear I still have about being in Lima. A couple hours ago when I stepped off that plane, I felt like I was just gonna turn around and run right back to New York to avoid all of the feelings that come with being here. The pain still resonates so deep, even at this moment as I am standing here with a group of extremely amazing people. Who are showing me so much love and support. Which is the only thing keeping me standing up right now. Otherwise, I'd probably be breaking down in the corner all alone. I'm glad I didn't run away from my family. I could easily hide deep within New York, walking side by side millions of people. Just losing myself deeper as I avoid truly dealing with everything I've lost. But I am so happy that somehow I found the strength within myself to face my family. I really think they're going to be what keeps me strong. They are going to be what helps me to do all this on my own. I wake up every single day thinking of what my life is going to be like in a few months. I'm going to be a mother to an incredible baby boy. I am going to be his only parent from his very first day on earth. And I think it's going to be a difficult thing for him to deal with. He's never going to know his father. He'll never get the chance to throw a baseball or go to his first football game with his dad. I know that's something that I will attempt to do with him, but will never measure up to what Finn could have done.

I know the hardships that come from not having that in your life. I grew up never knowing my mother. And as great as my dads have been my whole life, there was always a part of me that needed a mom. And I remember how much Finn struggled with never knowing his father either. He went through exactly what our son is going to experience. His father was dead too, there was no building bridges or even just having a simple conversation with him. As much as he tried to let it go, it pained him every single day. I know he wished he had one single memory. Just one day to keep close to him. And now, our son is going to go through the same thing he did. He'll never have a memory of Finn. No matter how much we tell him about Finn, it won't be the same. And that's something that is very hard for me to think about. The only thing I want for my son is to be healthy and happy and complete. But he is going to come into this world, missing a part him. How is that ever going to be alright? The last thing I want is for my son to ever feel broken. Like he's missing a piece of the puzzle that makes up who he is. But he will always be missing that piece...the same way I am. I just hope that I have the power to be a good mother, that I'm able to be enough for him. I want to do everything I can to make sure he has an amazing life. That he has happiness, opportunities, love. I want him to know how much of a miracle he is. How he keeps his father's memory alive every single day, without that fact putting too much pressure on him to be like Finn. I want him to grow into an incredible man. But still be able to be his own person. I just wish that I knew how I was gonna help him do that. I lay awake at night just praying for some kind of guidance. Like maybe Finn could somehow just tell me how I'm supposed to do all this. And I know I need to take everything one day at a time and focus on my pregnancy and taking care of myself. But I can't help but think about how difficult the future is going to be. How I wish Finn would be here to help me make the right decision about how to raise our son. I know what an amazing father he would have been.

He would be a lot calmer than me. He was a good listener and was always more rational than me. We would have been an amazing balance in our son's life. But instead, he's just going to have me. And I'm so scared...that won't be enough. I know that I have so many people around me, who are going to help me with this. And I'm grateful for that, but that's never going to help dissolve my fears. They're gonna be the support that I need to make sure I'm not screwing anything up in this little boy's life. They're going to love him and drive him to be everything he can be. We're going to love him unconditionally, and that is the only thing that makes me so sure that I'm gonna find a way to make it. But the journey there...is most definitely going to be a bumpy one. But just looking around at this room filled with people so full of love and acceptance to my new life...is really freeing. They are all excited about the future, something better than being sucked up by grief. It's giving all of us something to move forward towards. For the first time in months, I am looking around and seeing everybody smile again. And to know that I was able to do that, is an amazing feeling. I can tell everyone is sincerely so happy at my miracle. Except for my dads, who are a little hard to read what they're feeling exactly.

"Daddy? Dad? You're the only two people who haven't said a word about all this. And you're usually the two most vocal people in the room."

"Sorry, sweetheart. We're just a little...shocked."

"I know and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I'm sorry I've been pushing you away. I'm sorry I've messed up everything we worked for since I was born. I guess I'm not the daughter you really wanted after all."

"How could say that?"

"I'm irresponsible. I'm impulsive. I made a rash, spur of the moment decision...and here I am."

"Rachel...you are one of a kind. Yes, you made a choice you probably shouldn't have. And if the circumstances were different, this would be harder to handle. But this is a miracle. Your miracle. You know, we really loved Finn too. He was polite, considerate to our family, talented...everything we could have ever wanted for you. And no matter how much trouble we gave him, we did always hope one day he would become our son too. It's been really hard on us, seeing you in so much pain. Knowing there is nothing we could do to make it stop. No parent in the world ever wants to see their child hurt. You'll understand that once your son is born."

"So, you guys aren't mad?"

"Mad? Of course not. You're our daughter, we will support you until the end of time."

"Even though, I might never be the star I was supposed to be? I might never really make it in New York."

"You're dreams are far too big to ever be gone forever. This is a small change in the plan. But you're going to make it on Broadway someday. We know that...you just have to believe it too."

"I love you guys so much. Thank you...for everything. I've spent so much time not understanding, why Finn had to die? I don't think I'll ever understand. Because there will never be a reason. He was a great man and life just isn't fair. But I know that, our son is going to be what helps me accept it. Accept that something amazing can come out of tragedy."

"Rachel, sometimes bad things happen to good people. There's nothing you can do to change it. There's no reason for it, it just happens. You just have to wake up and prove you deserve the life you've been given. You and Finn...shouldn't have ended this way. But somehow, you were given a miracle...a second chance. Something to help you get out of bed every day. Something to keep your boyfriend alive for the rest of your life. And that's an incredible thing, Rachel. And we will be here to help you with everything. You will never be alone."

"Thank you so much. I need all the support I can get. Because I'm really afraid I can't do this without Finn."

"Oh you can, sweetie. You are the strongest woman we know. You've been dealt a tough hand. But you've survived. And you will continue to survive...for yourself. For Finn. And especially for that little boy you're carrying. Wow, that's unbelievable to say out loud."

"Yeah, I know. I keep thinking this has to be a dream. This can't really be happening. But...I can feel it. I can feel my son growing every single day. And I can feel Finn watching over us, protecting us. The same way he always has. And I know we're gonna be alright."

"We love you so much, Rachel. And we already love our grandson too." My dads tell me, pulling me into a hug. In that moment, I feel the love that will protect me forever. That will help me actually be able to be a good mother.

"Hey, Rachel? Sorry to interrupt." Quinn says, coming up behind me.

"No, it's fine." I reply as my dads walk away to go talk to Carole and Burt.

"I just wanted to tell you that I think you're really brave. And that I know Finn would be really proud of you. I really think he would have been an incredible father."

"Yeah, I know he would've been."

"There's a reason why I lied about him being Beth's father. Because he was just the greatest man in the world...and I knew that if I had kept her, he would've protected her with his life. And I know it was hard for him, but I think a part of him wanted to be a father. Just not to my baby. He wanted a family with you. And only you, Rachel. And even though, he's gone...he's still getting what he always wanted. His own family."

"That means a lot coming from you, Quinn."

"I made a lot of mistakes when I was pregnant, but you still found a way to support and accept me. That's something that I've always appreciated, Rachel. You had no reason to ever be nice to me, especially after everything I did to you and Finn. But I'm grateful you found a way to make me feel loved anyway. So, I'm just here to say...that you can count on me too. I wanna help you in any way I can, Rachel. I know you've got a tough couple of months coming up. And I'm done being a crappy friend to you."

"Quinn...thank you so much. I know that losing Finn has been hard on you too. I don't blame you for keeping your distance. Because I've been doing the same thing to everyone in my life. But I'm here now because my son is going to need all the love he can get. I'm not going to be able to give him what he's missing. Nothing will ever replace the void his father would fill. But maybe our little...unique family here, can help him feel complete. Like he's something great."

"And he is. Because he's a part of you and Finn. Talk about an unbeatable combination. This kid's gonna rule the world."

"I really hope you're right, Quinn. Because...I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to do this without Finn by my side. He would've been the first to tell me how I'm supposed to do this. He was the rational one. The one who always knew what to do. And now I'm left here trying to figure out this on my own. And I don't know how to do that."

"Please, you're Rachel Berry. There is no one stronger than you. And yes, Finn had a real talent of handling all of your craziness. But you know deep down how to do this. You're gonna do it for your son. You're going to wake up every day, look into that little boy's eyes...and realize the true gift you've been given. You'll figure out how to raise him right. How to give your whole life to him. It won't be hard, it will be the easiest thing you've ever done. And you're not alone. You have this room full of people who are going to help you ever step of the way. And everything else will fall into place."

"It kills you, doesn't it?"

"What?"

"Not being able to experience all that with your daughter."

"Yeah. It does. I miss my little girl every minute of every day. I can't fill the void of not having her. And I think I've been missing her even more these past few months. I could really use something to hold on to. But I know why I gave her up. And I pray she has a life to be proud of. It doesn't make it any easier to be away from her. A piece of my heart will always be out there in the world. So, I really want to be there for you and Finn's little boy. If you'll have me...I'd love to watch him grow and see Finn through his eyes."

"Of course, Quinn. I'm really happy to have you here. And I think that our son is going to love his Aunt Quinn so much."

"That make me really happy, Rachel." Quinn says, pulling me into a hug. "So, what are you gonna do now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, are you going to go back to New York? Or move back here?"

"I haven't really figured that out yet. Being here is hard and in some ways it doesn't feel like home anymore. I love New York. I love everything about it. But my family is here. And I need everyone so much right now. What do you think I should do?"

"I can't answer that, Rachel. You have to do whatever makes you happy. And whatever is right for you and your son. Only you know what that is."

Hearing Quinn say that really made me stop and think. I don't know what is right for me anymore. My life is about to change and my son is going to rely on me to guide him and have all the answers. And I don't even know what city we should live in. I just really wish I could figure out what the right thing to do is. I know I need everybody in my life, and they're here in Lima. But my life has changed this past year. I love living in New York City. It has everything I wanted, everything I dreamed of. Being a part of a big city is amazing. It's fast paced and beautiful. It's filled with people just trying to make something of themselves. Finding a way to prove they belong there. And that is all I ever wanted for my life too. I just wish Finn were here. He'd know the right answer. I wish there was some way, he could tell me what I'm supposed to do. He always knew what the right thing to do was. But now I'm left trying to find that out for myself. And it's going to be a really hard decision to make on my own. But I know I have to look deep down and decide what is truly best for my son. Because now...he's all that matters. Nothing else even compares.


	6. Who says you can't go home

**Chapter 6: Who says you can't go home**

**Three Months Later**

After I told everybody about my pregnancy, I returned to New York in order to figure out what was next for me and my son. There were so many things to consider before I made any decisions now. That's something that has been a bit of an adjustment for me. Before I got pregnant, I didn't have anybody else to worry about. I could make rash, selfish choices and it didn't really affect anybody but me. But now, every single choice that I make is going to affect my son's life. And he is the only thing that truly matters to me now. The more time that passes and the more pregnant I become..the more excited and nervous I am to meet my little boy. I cannot wait to hold my son in my arms and know he is mine forever. I know that I am going to look into his beautiful eyes and see Finn staring back at me, living on through our perfect son. And it's beginning to feel more and more real the closer it gets to my son's arrival. I'm so close to having Finn back, and that's really helping me get through all of the really tough days. It's been five months since Finn died. In some ways, it feels like it was yesterday. And in others, it feels like it's been an eternity. I'm afraid that I'm gonna start to forget things about him, the more time that goes by. And I don't know if I can really handle that. I can still feel the loss eating away at my soul, but lately things have been starting to feel...almost okay somehow. The pain has not subsided, it hasn't vanished...it probably never will. Sometimes I swear it feels like he's not dead. Like he's still here with me, but I know that's not possible. So, I get up, I get dressed, and I do everything I can to stop thinking about him. But I don't think I will ever get up and not think about him. Not think about what could have been. I'm going to think about him every day for the rest of my life. It's hard, even on my good days. But now I feel almost at peace. I know that nothing will ever truly fill the emptiness that Finn left behind, but I feel like I can actually go on somehow now.

I think it's because our son is growing and relying on me every single day. As I feel him move inside me, I know that he's really there. That I have the greatest reason in the world to get up and move forward. It's something that I never thought I'd be able to do after I lost Finn. But I know that our son is going to make the hurt and pain a whole lot easier to deal with. On top of knowing that soon I'm going to have my son in my arms, I've also had more love and support around me than I could have ever imagined. After I left Lima, I felt like I could finally breathe again. I wasn't holding anything back, I wasn't being someone I wasn't. I finally let go of all the awful feelings I had attached to that place. It wasn't somewhere I should hide from. It's a place I should be happy to be a part of. It is a part of who I am and somehow I am finally able to feel at home there again. And that is all I ever wanted. I think part of it is the fact that I know how much family is there to embrace me at every turn. That is a really amazing thing to have in your life. I've had a lot of ups and downs these past few months, since Finn died, but I can finally almost see the light again. I can picture a great future for myself and for our son. It's not everything I've ever dreamed of. It's very different actually. That dream and that life died with Finn. And it hurts to think that he won't be a part of me and our son's future, but I am determined to make our lives everything they can be. I can't think of a better way to honor Finn.

Which is why I made some really tough choices when I was figuring out what was next for us. I weighed every choice carefully, and ultimately came to a decision that was quite difficult for me. I am choosing to be with the people that I love. To surround my son with as much love and support as physically possible. He needs every single one of those people that love me and Finn with everything in them. They're going to protect him and love him from the very start. And once I figured that out, I realized I needed to move back to Lima. I love New York City. It's my dream come true. It's what I've always wanted. But there's a lot of things I always wanted. And I had to let go of all of them. I'm not saying this is forever, it probably isn't. I still have big dreams. I still have goals. But for the moment, those are put on hold. I need to go home. And be close to the people that I love and the people that are supporting me every day. It was easiest decision to make. But now that it's actually happening, saying goodbye to New York is harder than I thought. As I'm sitting here on the living room floor, packing up the last few boxes before leave, I find myself replaying the memories that go along with every single thing. And it makes me feel good to know I've had enough good ones here to hold onto once I'm gone.

"You could always stay, you know?" I hear Kurt's voice come from behind me, taking me out of my thoughts. "Santana and I will help you."

"Thanks, Kurt. But I have to go. I need more help than you and Santana could ever give me. Plus, you guys need to focus on your own lives. And I need to open the next chapter of mine. And that's at home...it's in Lima now."

"I hope your right about that."

"I know I am. It feels right...it's what I have to do."

"It's going to be so empty without you here...and quiet."

"Yeah, that's gonna take some getting used to. It certainly wouldn't be that way with me and the baby around."

"Yeah, I'm sure he's going to have a good set of lungs. You are his mother after all. He'll be a loud little guy."

"No doubt about that one. I love you so much, Kurt. Thank you for everything. I'm gonna really miss it here. But, I'm sure Blaine will have no problem taking my place."

"Yeah, he will. But he can never take your place, Rachel. You're more than just my roommate...you're my best friend. Plus, we're about to become family. You could never get rid of me."

"I wouldn't even think of it. This baby is really going to need his uncle."

"I like the sound of that. I am going to teach him everything I know."

"Uh oh. That sounds like trouble. He might not be able to handle everything you could teach him."

"I'll grow on him. I eventually did on you and Finn."

"That is true. It was little difficult at first. But we love you, Kurt. And our son is going to adore you. I know it."

"Thanks, Rachel. So, you're really not going to tell me what your naming him?"

"You'll have to wait till he's born like everybody else."

"I hope you still have the list I made. I think there were some really amazing suggestions there."

"Yeah, they were very...interesting. Definitely will keep that in mind."

"You better."

"Don't worry, I think you are going to love what I decided on. I just think it's better to wait till he's here to announce it to the world. For now it's just for me, the baby...and Finn to know."

"Okay, that actually sounds like a really good idea. I don't care what his name is...I love him already."

"And he loves you. I hope you'll be able to come home for his birth?"

"I wouldn't miss it for anything in the world. The second it's happening, I will be on that plane." He says coming over and helping me up from the ground, and hugging me tight. Suddenly we hear a knock on the door.

"I got it." I tell Kurt and head to the door. I was surprised by who was standing on the other side. "Oh my god, Puck? What are you doing here?"

"Puckerman." Kurt says.

"Hummel. Can I come in, Rachel?"

"Yeah, of course. I thought you were in the Air Force now?"

"I was...I am. I just got back from basic training."

"Oh. Well, that's great. So, what are you doing here then?"

"Well, Quinn told me about the baby. So, I guess I came to see if it was really true."

"As you can see...it is."

"I can't believe it. This...your baby is really Finn's?"

"Yes, he really is. He is a definitely a Hudson. And it is not easy for a little person like me to carry a Hudson."

"Finn was an exceptionally big person."

"Yes, he was. And so is his child. He's nearly nine pounds already and they estimate he's over 20 inches right now. I'm praying he doesn't grow too much in this last month. Cause I don't know if my body can handle it."

"Wow, that's gonna be a large baby. But I guess with Finn's genes, what can you expect?"

"That is true. I should have guessed he would take after Finn."

"He? So, it's a boy then?"

"Yeah. We're having a little boy."

"It's like Finn's really coming back."

"Puck, is everything alright with you? You sound kinda weird."

"I don't know. Things have been pretty bad since Finn died. I mean, you of all people know that. I just don't know what to do without him. You know, he was my best friend. And after all the crap I pulled, I have no idea why. But he always forgave me. He was always there for me...when no one else was."

"I know the feeling."

"Yeah, I bet. And now, I just feel...really lost. And really, really guilty."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry, Rachel. I should have been there with him. I shouldn't have let him go alone. He shouldn't have died alone...or like that."

"It's not your fault, Puck. You couldn't have prevented it. Plus, if you were in that car...you might be dead right now too."

"Yeah. And maybe he'd be alive. I mean, how are people like me still walking around? While an amazing, kind, generous, loving man like Finn...is dead? It doesn't make any sense."

"To me neither. It doesn't make sense. It never will. It was an accident. One that you couldn't prevent. You just have to find a way to make something great of your life now."

"I don't know how, Rachel. And I guess that's why I'm here now. To try and be a better person."

"What are you talking about?"

"I don't think I'm gonna go back to the Air Force."

"Why not? I thought that's what you wanted to do."

"No. I wanted to honor Finn by doing something good in the world."

"Alright, then that's what you have to do."

"And I'm going to. Finn was my best friend. And he loved you more than anything in the entire world. He would've done anything for you. And he would be so happy and excited to have a family with you. I know he would be. So, I have to honor him...by making sure his family is taken care of. I want to be there for you and Finn's son. It's what he would want me to do."

"That means a lot, Puck. It does. But maybe you need to take care of yourself first. Maybe you need to go back and do something amazing for the world."

"Rachel...Finn never got the chance to be a father. Something I know he always wanted. I am father myself...and I miss my daughter every single day of my life. I didn't choose to give her up, and I wish I didn't have to be away from her. But I am...and it hurts. And now I lost my best friend. You lost the love your life. Your son lost his father. So, just give me a chance. Give me a chance to be as good a friend to you as Finn was to me. Give me the chance to be a part of your son's life. Finn would want me to look out for his family. That's what best friends do. They stand up and support the people they care about. And this is my chance to do something great. To make Finn proud."

"Puck...Finn loved you despite all you did to him. I didn't always understand why he let you back in his life. Or why he forgave you for any of the things you did. But that's who he was. He was an amazing soul, who was open to the idea that anyone could change. Anyone could be redeemed. Even you. So, in honor of Finn...and his incredibly beautiful heart, I am trying to be more like him. And be as accepting as he was. So...I would really love for you to be a part of our son's life."

"Really?"

"Really?" Kurt echoes.

"Yeah, it's what Finn would want. I know it is."

"Thank you, Rachel. I promise I'm not gonna screw your kid up. I'm gonna be the greatest uncle in the world, I promise."

"Oh don't even think about taking that title. It's mine."

"Stop, Kurt. There is plenty of room for as many aunts and uncles this baby can get. That includes Puck, Kurt."

"Fine, whatever."

"So, what are you going to do? You're moving back to Lima?"

"Yeah, I think it's where I belong. Maybe I'll start my pool cleaning business back up."

"Puck, it's October. And we live in Ohio."

"I'll figure something out. I just really want my family back. And I don't care what I have to do to get it. I really do care about that group of people. Even if no one believes it. I want to join this army of people that are standing up to help you, Rachel. I want to be a part of that family again. I've really missed it."

"Me too. It's good to have you back, Puck. I hope you know what you're doing."

"For the first time since Finn died, I do. And Hummel...what do say about a truce? I'm sorry about what happened at the memorial. I was grieving...and I was wrong."

"What happened at the memorial?" I asked, curious at what's gone down between them.

"Nothing. Just a little disagreement. Done out of hurt and pain...loss. I'm willing to put it behind us and join together now. That is if Kurt is?"

"I suppose so. Rachel, needs all of our help. And Finn was my brother...and for some bizarre reason, he cared about you. He believed in you. It doesn't mean I do. But I think I have to take a page out of his book and do the same."

"Thank you. That means a lot."

"Don't blow it. Because if you do, you'll be sorry."

"Okay, I promise. So, you need any help with the move Rachel?"

"Yeah, that would be great actually. I've only got a few boxes left."

"Thank you, Rachel. For giving me this chance." Puck says, pulling me into a hug.

"Don't make me regret it."

"I won't."

I guess it's really official now, I have everyone in my life supporting me. It's a really amazing feeling, and it makes my life feel a little less empty now. I know that none of these people will be able to replace Finn in my son's life...but they'll definitely give him the love he needs. And I have faith that there will never be a day that he doesn't know what an amazing man his father was. And that's really incredible, because that's exactly what I want for him. To know what a great man his father was, and how much he affected every one of our lives. Having Puck show up today was surprising. And I know he was Finn's best friend, but that doesn't mean I completely trust he's a changed man. But I know that Finn would want him in his son's life. So, that's why I gave in. Plus, I need all the help and support I can get. Even if that comes in the form of Puck. I can't dwell on any of it, though. Because now it's time to focus on leaving New York behind. I know it isn't forever, this isn't goodbye. I'm Rachel Berry and I'll be back. This city is still my dream and I'm not giving up on it. I'm just starting a new chapter...and I have a feeling it's going to be one of the best ones yet. It's time to go home. Start my new life with family, friends, and whole lot of love. And that's actually really exciting to me.


	7. Still there for me

**A/N:**** Just wanted to take a minute to say thank you for the continued support for this story. I really appreciate it and the suggestions you've given me. Things are going to start to pick up now and really get into some good plot points. I hope you like what happens next! Thanks again.**

**Also, Check out this trailer I made for the story! I plan on making a few more to give you some previews of what some of the future storylines I have coming up are. The link is in my profile because it wouldn't save on this page for some reason. Anyway, Enjoy!**

**Chapter 7: Still there for me**

**Lima, OH - Three weeks later**

Leaving behind my life in New York City was a really difficult thing for me to do. Yet, even though it was hard to leave Santana and Kurt..and my dream behind, I know I did it for the best reason in the entire world. And that really makes everything so worthwhile. All the pain...all the sacrifice. It's all worth it because of my son. These past nine months have been filled with a lot of ups and downs. I've felt a million different emotions going through this journey. I've felt thrilled and sad. I've had a million different kinds of fear and I've felt beyond unprepared. I've felt alone...and lost. It's been some of the most difficult few months of my whole life. Not just because of my loss, but also because I've had to discover a way to be selfless. I had to realize that this incredible, beautiful, miraculous life was depending on me to keep him healthy and fulfilled. And that wasn't always easy for me. Actually it was extremely hard for me. I never lived that way before. That may be pretty awful to actually admit, but before I got pregnant...I wasn't a very good person. I didn't really care too much about anyone but me. Sure I love and support a lot of people in my life. But when push came to shove, I always made the choice that bettered my own life. When I look back on who I was six months ago...who I've been my whole life, it isn't someone to be proud of. Finn used to tell me I was that way because I was so driven and motivated towards my dreams that sometimes I lost sight of the important things in life. The polar opposite of the amazing person he was. And he was absolutely right, I've been so lost in my own world most of my life. Yet, he still was always the first one to assure me that he'd always love me either way. But now with him gone and impending motherhood merely days or hours away...I know that things have to change. I have to put my son first. Above myself and everything in my life. And even though, I know that might be quite the task for me...it's what needs to happen. I want to be a person my son will be proud to have as his mother. Someone he can look to for guidance and assurance every single day of his life.

The waiting game for my son's arrival is getting old real fast. I'm really sick of being pregnant at this point. I just want him to be here in my arms already. I want this hole in my chest to be filled again. And I know that one look at him and I'm gonna feel a whole lot more complete than I do now. I'm really ready to start my life in my new role as a mother. As scary as that has been to say out loud in the past...it feels so right now. My pregnancy seems like it's been dragging on forever. I don't know if that's because I spent the first three months, basically ignoring my son's existence. Which I feel so awful about now. I should have embraced every single moment of his life. Because I know now just how fleeting that can be. Maybe it feels like it's been an eternity because I've been missing Finn more and more lately. I think part of it is being back here in Lima. I think of him everywhere I go in this town. I think of what could have been. And I wonder if I'm strong enough to get through this without him. He'd know what to do. He'd know how to keep me calm, anyway. But instead, I'm completely on my own with finding my own strength now. And even though I have a giant support system surrounding me, I still feel like I'm starting this new chapter all alone somehow. I know that's crazy. But this should have been the most amazing experience of my entire life. One that I shared with the man that I loved. One that I know he would have been so excited for. We should have become parents together. Instead, our son just has me now. I think Finn really has a lot to do with my fear at this point. And even though my pain never lessens, I think of the day that my son's born. I think of what it's going to be like to look into my son's eyes and see my soul mate...and my best friend again. And I know that the second that happens, all the fear will wash away. And my pain and heartache will finally lessen.

"Hey, sweetheart. How are you?" My dad asks, taking me out of my thoughts.

"Fine. Just a little tired. I think I'm gonna head upstairs for a while and lay down."

"I think that's a good idea. Get all the sleep you can. In a couple days, that will be gone."

"Yeah, I know. I'll see you a little later." I say, and head up the stairs and entering my bedroom. At first it was hard to be back in this room. I thought it was a place I let go of when I left for New York. Some place, that a few months ago was filled with some painful memories than I wanted to leave behind. Yet, once I was actually here something was different. After nearly a year it actually gave me this feeling of being home again. And it felt good to feel that comfort. Although, I am getting a little sick of all the hovering in this house. I know my dads mean well, but they're just always here. They're around every corner wanting to do something for me, help make things easier for me in this last stage of my pregnancy. I appreciate it, but honestly I can't wait until the baby is born. Then, they will completely shift their focus to him and not worry about me so much. I laid down on my bed, and gave into my exhaustion.

_"Rachel?" Someone slightly shakes me, taking me out of my sleep._

_"Finn? Oh my god, Finn...I knew it. I knew you'd come." I say, jumping up and embracing him. Holding onto him so tight, never wanting to leave this moment._

_"Where else would I be? I know you need me now."_

_"I really do. Just hold me, Finn."_

_"Always. I wish I could've held you for a million years, Rach. But we both know that can't happen now."_

_"Why not? Why'd you have to go? We were supposed to together, Finn. It was part of the plan. It was written in the stars, remember?"_

_"I know. I'm sorry...life just took a different turn."_

_"But I need you. I need you so badly. We're having a baby, Finn. A little boy."_

_"I know. And I am so proud of you, Rachel. You have been so amazing. You've protected our son...you've helped him grow and survive. I know things haven't been easy for you...and I'm so sorry for that. I know it's my fault."_

_"I just miss you so much, Finn. I feel like I can't breathe sometimes."_

_"I miss you too. Everything is going to be okay. You don't need me to help you through this...you're the strongest woman I know. And you are going to be an amazing mother."_

_"I'm just so afraid."_

_"Of what?"_

_"That I'm not gonna be enough for our son. He needs you, Finn. He needs his father."_

_"And I will always be here, Rachel. I will never let a bad thing happen to our boy. He's a miracle...something to hold onto forever."_

_"I do, everyday. But some days it's just not enough. He can't replace you, Finn. No one can."_

_"You're right, nothing will. Nothing can replace or erase who we were. Or the love that we had. I promise you that, Rachel."_

_"I really hope you're right. Because I'm so scared that something will."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I just feel like I'm gonna start to forget things about you. Like the way you smelled or the sound of your voice. You know, I'm afraid that I'm gonna forget what your laugh sounded like or the way you sang to me. Or how you told me you loved me. I just miss everything about you."_

_"You don't have to, Rach. I'm right here...in your heart, always."_

_"But what if that's not enough?"_

_"It has to be now. And you're never going to really lose me, Rachel. Because you have our son to hold onto for the rest of your life."_

_"I know, and I'm so grateful for that. I guess you were right, after all. You and me...are an unbeatable combination. Our son proves that. He's our miracle, Finn."_

_"I told you. We were meant to be. And now...you are meant to be a mother to our incredible son. A part of you and me...forever."_

_"I'm just so sorry I never got a chance to tell you about him in person."_

_"It's okay. I know you wanted to. And I want to tell you I would've been so happy to hear it. I would've loved to be his father. And I am. I am his father and I always will be. Don't let him forget me, alright?"_

_"Never. He's going to remember who you were, every day of his life. There is not a single person that will let him forget what an amazing man Finn Hudson was...and is. You're going to live on through our son."_

_"Thank you. I'm really happy to see that you're not alone. I'm glad our family is all together to be there for you...and our little boy."_

_"Everyone is so excited to have a piece of you back. They've been amazing. They've made me feel less alone. Especially your mother...she really misses you."_

_"And I hate what she's gone through. I hate what I did to her. She's been through enough in her life. I just hope she'll find a way to move forward. I hope her grandson will help her do that."_

_"He will. He's going to help all of us now. He has so much love in all the people that loved you so much."_

_"I'm happy to see it. You all deserve to be happy. I'm just sorry you had to give up your dream to get it. I know leaving New York couldn't have been easy for you. It's where you belong, Rach."_

_"Not anymore. This is my life now. Being back home in Lima with our family. Being a mother to our beautiful son. Finding out how I'm gonna make it without you."_

_"Don't worry you will. You don't need me to be amazing, Rachel. You are all on your own. You're going to make it big, Rachel. I'm sorry I ruined things for you. Don't give your dreams up...you should be in New York."_

_"I'll get back there some day." _

_"You better. You're a star, Rachel. And I'm gonna make sure you keep shining."_

_"Right now, there are more important things to focus on."_

_"Speaking of, I think it's about time you go on to your new life."_

_"You're leaving me again?"_

_"I have to. You know I can't stay here, Rachel."_

_"Yeah, I know. Doesn't mean I can't wish you could."_

_"But I promise, I am always with you. I'm with you and our son forever. So stop worrying because I'm still here, Rachel. I'm still here and I don't plan on ever leaving you."_

_"I love you so much, Finn. I love you so much and I'm gonna spend the rest of my life missing you."_

_"Don't. Live an amazing life, Rachel. And I'll be waiting. We'll be together again."_

_"Promise?"_

_"Always. But for now...I think it's about time you meet our son. I know you'll be a great mother to him. Goodbye, Rachel. I love you forever."_

_"Finn...I love you."_

Suddenly I am taken out of my wonderful dream. Somewhere I would've stayed forever if it meant Finn were there. I've always wondered how accurate dreams really are. Do they guide you? Do they give you meaning? In this case, it just gave me love. It gave me something I wish I had in real life...Finn. I've dreamt of him a million times since he died. I've dreamt of him singing to me one last time. I've dreamt of his smile. I've dreamt of him holding our son and singing him to sleep. But this is the first time I've dreamt of him saying goodbye. I've spent months regretting the fact I never got to say goodbye. I never got a chance to tell him how much he means to me. How much I love him. So, in a way this dream was that for me. It was everything I needed before moving forward with this next chapter. I just wish it were real. I wish he were here holding me and telling me he loves me. I wish he were here to meet our son.

"Rachel?" I hear a voice coming from my door, taking me out of my thoughts.

"Carole? What are you doing here?"

"Your dads called me. They had to run out for a while. They didn't want you to be here alone."

"I'm not a child. I can be left by myself."

"They're just worried about you. Are you okay, sweetheart?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, it looks like you were crying." She says, wiping a tear from my cheek.

"I just...I had an incredible dream. Finn was there."

"I have those a lot."

"This was different, though. It was like he was here, willing me to be strong. He told me how much he wanted to be here. How much he wanted to be a father. How sorry he was for leaving us. I just...wish he were here for real."

"We all do. But maybe this was his way of reaching you from...wherever he is now. A way to make sure you'd be okay. He was always worried about you. He would be even more, knowing you're about to give birth to his son."

"I know. And it's good...you know it felt good. Like for a moment, he was still alive. And I've never really felt like he was really gone, gone. Like somehow he was still here."

"He always will be. Just in your heart now."

"Yeah. And now...now I feel a peace of some sort. I feel ready for what happens next."

"That's really good, Rachel."

"Yeah, it is. Because, Carole...I think I'm having the baby."

"What?"

"My water just broke."

"Oh my god, you're sure? Wow, I've been waiting for this moment for so long. I can't believe it's actually here. I'm really glad I'm here for it."

"Me too."

"Alright, well we have to go. Let's go meet your son...my grandson."

"Thank you, Carole. For being here and being calm. I'm actually really glad my dads aren't here. They'd be freaking out right now."

"That is true. Come on, let's get you to the hospital." She says, helping me up.

My life is truly about to change forever. And as scary as that is to think about, I can't wait for it to finally arrive. I can't wait to meet my son and become a mother. It's like suddenly all the fear and uneasiness I've been feeling has vanished. In a single moment, everything seems different. But in an amazing way. I hope I have the strength to get through these next few hours. I've been really scared about not being strong enough. But I think it's all going to be okay. Because I know now that I have my guardian angel watching over me and my son...it's Finn. And that's all I've ever needed. And all I ever wanted. I know he's going to will me to get through this. He's going to protect me and our son. It's the greatest feeling in the whole world to feel his support and presence here every single minute. I suddenly realize that everything works out the way it's supposed to. And this is exactly where my life is supposed to be. And that makes me really happy...and at peace. If only for a moment.


	8. An Exceptional Miracle

**Chapter 8: An exceptional miracle**

_**Kurt's POV**_

The past six months have been filled with so many ups and downs in my life. There's been a few good times. A lot of bad times...and everything in between. The day that Finn died...something broke inside of me. Something I didn't even know existed. Something that can never be fixed. Finn was...he was a rare kind for sure. He was everything that a man should be and so much more. He was accepting and kind and loving. I think he always wanted to see the good in people. He had so much faith in people. I think he believed that no matter how bad they seemed, they had to have a heart somewhere in their chest. He was a real leader. Stuck up for me and everyone else at every turn. He was passionate in what he believed in. And he was always there for me. We had a rocky start to our relationship. But once we became brothers and found a way to respect each other...nobody was going to get between either one of us. Even in the bad times throughout the past year...I knew he'd always be there for me. And I guess I never thought for a single second I'd have to think of my life without him. So, when he was suddenly gone forever...I lost myself in some way. Of course, I would never admit that out loud. I know everything that Rachel has been going through. And I never wanted to make that worse by revealing my true feelings. I mean, we were all left in so much limbo with Finn's sudden departure. He affected every one of ours lives. I think everybody in our little family relied on Finn in some way. He was the one person every single one of us would turn to when we needed a little encouragement. When we needed somebody to be on our side. Now, our lives feel so empty. A feeling that can't be filled with distance or time.

Even though, my heart will always be a little empty where Finn once was...I know that life is about to change in an amazing way. Finn's son is going to do that for everybody...in a matter of hours actually. This morning my dad called and told me Rachel was in Labor. In one moment, everything seemed to get a little better. It's like this light was at the end of the darkness I've been feeling all these months. And it was in the form of this little boy. I dropped everything I was doing, and headed to the airport with Santana. I needed to be there for Rachel. She's resilient and strong in ways I didn't even think was possible. I know the pain eats away at her soul every morning she wakes up without Finn by her side. You know, I always thought that she would really be my sister someday. Her and Finn had the kind of love people envy. Even when they were apart, you knew that love never wavered. I just always thought it would overcome anything in the end. But now...I don't if she'll ever truly recover completely. The only thing that is getting her to wake up every single day is their miracle child. He's going to be the person that keeps Finn alive for all of us. And I can't wait to meet my nephew. I arrived at the hospital five hours after my father called me to a waiting room full of people there for Rachel. That little boy was going to be born with so much love and support surrounding him. Our family really was an amazing group of people. And, sitting here for hours listening to everyone talk about Finn was really great. I think we're all getting to a point where we don't want to breakdown at the mention of his name. But even with all the happiness and joy in this room...I couldn't help but feel really sad at the same time.

"Hey, I was wondering where you went to." Blaine says, taking me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah, sorry. I just...needed to be alone for a little bit. All the togetherness was getting to be a little claustrophobic." I tell him, wiping away some tears.

"Hey, why are you crying? This is a miraculous day for all of us. I thought you of all people would be so happy."

"I don't know. I should be. I mean, I am. I'm happy...I'm thrilled. I'm about to get a piece of my brother back. It's going to be amazing. But...but it's not the same. Not the same as if he were here. And he should be here. He should be here experiencing this moment with Rachel. He would be so excited...he wouldn't be able to contain it. I can almost picture it, you know?"

"Yeah, me too. He'd be shouting it from the rooftops...literally. It would have been everything he ever wanted."

"Exactly. You know, we should all be together with Finn and Rachel. We should all be so thrilled and happy and celebrating this miracle. Instead, I'm running away."

"From what?"

"Everything I've been feeling since the day he died. I've spent so long holding all of this pain in. You know, I never wanted to step on what Rachel was feeling...what she was going through. But...she's not here right now. And I just can't anymore."

"Hey, it's okay. You don't have to. It's just me. You know you can tell me anything. Tell me what you're feeling, Kurt."

"It's just, I've spent so long wishing...and praying for him to come back. Just for one more day. And then by some god sent miracle...it happened. And he finally is. And instead of being happy about that fact, I'm sitting here alone...with so much regret and guilt."

"What are you talking about?"

"I wasn't there for him. The last year was hell for him. You know, he lost Rachel. He lost his way. He lost himself. He didn't know who he was or where he was going. And I should have been there. I should've been there to help him figure it out. Instead...I chose Rachel over him. At every turn I was supporting her instead of my brother."

"She's your best friend. Finn understood that."

"But we were supposed to be brothers. I shouldn't have picked sides. He needed me more. He needed me to support him and I wasn't there. You know, and now he's just gone. And I'm never gonna have a chance to tell him how sorry I am. Or how much I love him."

"You didn't have to. He knew."

"His son..is going to be brought into this world in a matter of minutes. And Finn will never get to be a father to him. He'll never get to watch him grow and learn. Or hear his laugh...listen to him sing. He'll never be able to do all the things he wanted to do with his child. I know, even if he never admitted it...he wanted to be a father more than anything. He wanted a real family...with Rachel. This, right now...would be his dream come true. You know, he was always a little broken because he never knew his father. He felt like he was missing a part of himself because his father was gone so soon that he never got to have a single memory of him to hold onto. He wanted things to be different for him. But now his son...this innocent, perfect baby is going to feel the exact same thing. And it's not fair. It's not fair."

"No, it's not. All we can do now is be thankful for this miracle. This beautiful miracle that Finn is giving us."

"And I am. More than you could imagine. I just wish I could talk to Finn one last time. To tell him that I miss him and that I love him. And that I will always be there for his son...and for Rachel. But now I'll never have the chance. And I know we have to be strong for Rachel and that little boy. But it's just really hard to hold it together sometimes. I really miss Finn, Blaine. And I'm going to for the rest of my life."

"He wouldn't want you to. He'd want you to be okay, Kurt. He would want you to let go of all these terrible feelings you're holding onto."

"Yeah, I know. You know, we didn't aways see things the same way. We didn't always agree on each other's decisions...but we were still family. So, I vow right here and right now, that I'm gonna be there for his son everyday. Everyday, I promise that."

"That's exactly what Finn would want you to do. For you to be the best uncle you could possibly be to his son. Because he loved you, Kurt. He believed in you."

"Then, why didn't I believe in him?"

"You did. You encouraged him to find himself."

"Not exactly."

"Yes you did. Do you remember when Finn proposed to Rachel?"

"Of course."

"Do you remember what you told him?"

"Not really."

"That he shouldn't give up on his future. He shouldn't give up on himself. And he didn't. He found who he was. And I watched what that did to him last year...it changed him."

"Too bad that couldn't save him, though. He was the best man I ever knew. And I was proud to call him my brother. And now, I'm gonna do everything in power to make sure his son never forgets that."

"Sorry to interrupt. But Carole and Burt are looking for you, Kurt." Santana says, coming from behind us.

"Okay, I'm coming." I tell her, getting up from my seat and walking into the other room where everyone was gathered. "I'm here. What happened? Did Rachel have the baby? Are they alright?"

"Why don't you come and see for yourself?" Carole says, leading the way.

* * *

**Rachel's POV**

I have been waiting for this day for nine very long months. Actually, if I'm being truthful...I've been waiting for this moment my entire life. I think that being a mother has always been a big dream of mine. On top of being a star, there is nothing I've ever wanted more. I never actually admitted that out loud to anyone, except to Finn, and I think it makes this day even more special. When we got engaged, we started talking about things like that. We started imagining this in our future. Of course, that dream we shared was for some distant date in the future. After we got married and started our careers. But of course, life had a different plan. And now I'm left here, having to embrace this moment enough for the both of us. I have anticipated and dreamed of the day my son would finally be here. The day I would be able to hold him in my arms and know he was mine forever. The day I would finally get to hold this beautiful, flawless piece of Finn. And now that it has finally arrived, I've been really scared that I'm not strong enough to handle it.

I knew this would be one the hardest days of my whole life. Giving life to another person is the most difficult thing that any woman ever goes through. But I don't really think I imagined it would be this bad. I have never felt pain like that before, and I definitely wasn't prepared for it. And even though, I had people around me and I wasn't alone through it all...I had a lot of moments when I didn't know if I could make it through. A few times I really thought the pain was going to kill me. I didn't think I'd be able to sustain it. But then I looked next me and saw Finn's mother. And I knew I had to do it for him. I had to make sure his son was perfectly fine and I know he was there with me somehow. Willing me to have the strength to be the strong woman our son needs me to be. My dads really wanted to be in that room, but I knew that I could not handle all their drama at a time like this. So, I made sure they knew they would do me more good by staying in the waiting room with everyone else. They tried to act like they wanted to stay but I know they were really relieved I asked them to leave. I just needed someone that would really help me make it through. And that was Carole. She not only knew what I was going through, but her being there was the closest thing to Finn being there that I was going to get. And for some reason, it really made me feel safer somehow.

This whole journey has been difficult and scary. I've spent so much time wondering if I would be able to handle everything that came along with being a mother. Especially since I am going to have to take on Finn's role in our son's life as well. I've wondered if I could be enough for our son. But the second I heard him cry...all my fear washed away. There were no more what if's? It was just what now? All of sudden it was real and no matter what the future held, it included me and my little boy. And nothing else really matters anymore. He is my life now...and I couldn't be more excited to start this new life with him. Plus, I know he has so much love surrounding him that it is actually overwhelming. There is a waiting room full of people waiting to meet this incredible little person. He was the key to our existence now. He was what kept all of us together as a family. He is what makes us remember how important Finn was in all of our lives. Something that can never truly leave us now...a true miracle. And I know he is going to change all of our lives for the better. I sent Carole out to the waiting room to get my dads, Kurt, and Burt. They were the most important people in mine and Finn's life...they deserved to meet his son first. Plus, I just wanted a few minutes to be alone with my son. Just to take in how amazing he was. I looked down in my arms and saw the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen staring back at me. It really took me back to the last time I looked into Finn's eyes. It was like in just a matter of minutes...Finn was alive again. This beautiful baby was my connection to him for the rest of my life. And in some way...this little boy knew it. He has been really calm and content in my arms since the doctor placed him there. Like he knew that's where he will belong forever. That he was an extremely exceptional miracle...a true blessing brought into this world. He was sent here for a reason...by his guardian angel, who just happens to be his father.

"Rachel..." I heard my dad say softly, taking me out of my thoughts.

"Dads! Do you want to meet your grandson?"

"Oh, Rachel...we are so proud of you. He is absolutely beautiful."

"He really is Rachel. He's perfect." Kurt says, coming over to my bed and kissing my cheek before turning his attention to his brand new nephew. "He looks so big and strong. He's just like Finn."

"I know. I think he looks just like him. I don't think he has much from me."

"That's not true. I think he looks like the perfect mix of the two of you." Burt says.

"Maybe, we'll have to see as time goes on. But, he most certainly didn't take after my size that's for sure. He is his father's son."

"How big is anyway, sweetheart?" My dad asks.

"9 pounds, 13 ounces. 22 inches long. I think those might be from Finn's genes. Just a thought."

"Yeah, definitely. Finn was just about the same size. So, I know what it's like to birth a child that big." Carole tells me.

"I wouldn't want it any other way. He's perfect."

"That is true. So...Rach, what are we calling this little miracle?" Kurt asks.

"I thought a lot about this. And no matter what I thought of...I knew I had to honor his father in every way. I want him to keep Finn with him every single day of his life. And that's going to start with his name."

"Which is?" My dads ask in unison.

"I would like you to meet for the very first time..." I say looking down at my son, calling him by his name for the very first time. "Finn Aaron Hudson."


End file.
